White Dumplings
by Dark Seraphim
Summary: It's been quite awhile since Souji left Inaba. Yukiko wonders when he will return. In the meantime, she makes delicious food while Kanji makes lovely things.


Notes:

This fic is based on the sad ending, and was originally supposed to have been a downer. I found that I simply couldn't do that.  
Listening to "Untitled #1" (and the remixes) by Sigur Ros helped quite a bit since the song is a bit "bittersweet". This is  
especially true with the GDEB remix. The food helped too. Who wants a downer fic with delicious food? I didn't think so. "Greater are the pleasures that are shared" is a quote by author R.A. Salvatore. For Yuletide 2010 and is a gift for dw user: Lassarina.

* * *

Greater are the pleasures that are shared. Yukiko heard that statement from somewhere, but she wasn't sure from where, or even if she did hear it. Maybe she read it from somewhere. She didn't know. All she knew was that the statement formed in her mind as soon as the meat dumplings came out of oven.

They came out perfectly. Nice and white, slightly spongy to the touch, soft, and steaming hot. Yukiko waited until they were cool enough to handle, and when she did, she savored the sweet, spicy, sour meat in the center of the equally sweet dough. She sat alone at the dinner table, doing little more than eating the dumplings and wishing that she could share them with someone else. She pictured Souji in front of her, no doubt smiling and declaring the dumplings delicious.

/He is not here/. Yukiko closed her eyes while breaking open another dumpling. /He is not here/. Souji left a few months ago to go back to his home in the city. She sighed, wondering when he would be back. /Maybe never/. Yukiko made sure never to think that way again. /He'll be back one day, and then we can eat together/.

People still wore gas masks in Inaba. The fog never fully went away, and people remained afraid. Yukiko pretended not to see, not to notice. She tried not to look out the window and see the wisps of mist that still permeated the small town. She tried not to imagine Nanako nearby enjoying the delicious dumplings. /She is not here. She is not coming back. Maybe that is why Souji won't come back/. Yukiko made sure never to think that way again. /This can't be it for me/. She ate with Chie at times, but even with her dearest friend, things seemed to change yet remain unchanged. Kanji sometimes came around. He liked the meals she worked very hard to prepare, and she liked the clothes he made for her. A change, but he wasn't Souji. Kanji came from another planet compared to herself or Souji.

The fog looked thin, but remained, and Yukiko swore that the fog would disappear eventually. /One day/. The dumplings came out perfectly. She ate them all. A fitting summer meal, she believed. /It's only been a few months. The fog will go away./

It didn't. Autumn came as quickly as summer went. Yukiko sat outside at picnic table near the river. She pretended not to see the fog. The dumplings came out perfectly again. Sweet and strong. Like coffee, like Souji, but not like Kanji. He was simply strong in leather and denim, but he asked the same questions Yukiko asked and no doubt thought the same things. Neither had any answers as they ate under the afternoon sky blighted by fog that never seemed to go away. Nanako, ever the ubiquitous, used to walk up to her and say hi. She would have loved the dumplings, but she won't ever be back. Everyone who lived in Inaba knew that. No one knew if Souji would ever return.

/This can't be it for me./ Yukiko tended to think. It ran through her the way the river ran through Inaba, the way the wind blew through her long, black hair. She imagined Kanji making her a couple of dolls-one of Nanako and one of Souji. That way, they'd always be with her, and she could see them whenever she wanted. Yukiko did not dare ask for such. Just thinking of herself looking at the imaginary dolls, embracing them, wishing they were real sent tears to her eyes.

"What's wrong?" Kanji asked.

"Oh, um, it's nothing. It must be the wind." Yukiko looked away.

Yes, the wind. Of course it was the wind. Whether or not Kanji believed it was anyone's guess. Thankfully, a heavy section of fog covered Yukiko, keeping her shielded, protected from the truth. At least she didn't wear a gas mask like some of the townspeople continued to wear. She wore a new shirt though. Kanji made it red and full of silk. Yukiko felt good in it, and blushed when told that she looked great it in.

The fog didn't disappear in the night sky. Instead, it obscured the stars, and glowed in the moonlight. She wondered if the fog existed outside of Inaba. She wondered who the next guest would be. /Maybe Souji./ Yukiko did say that she would reserve a room for him if he ever came. No, when, but now if. No, it has to be when. If contained an uncertainty that Yukiko didn't want to face. She faced it before with Nanako, and it ended with a certainty she still cried over. With Souji, it would be a different kind of certainty, one that wouldn't end in tears. Yukiko held fast to hope even though it tried to slip through her fingers like the fog slipped into the air. She slept with hope, dreaming of Souji warming her bed. A dream that stayed a dream. /Just this one night. Let it be a dream now. This can't be it for me./

Business as usual at the Amagi Inn. Yukiko continued to cook, realizing that once upon a time, she didn't know how to cook. She used to burn water while servants would watch to make sure she didn't burn anything else. No one watched her anymore, but they tasted her food and loved it all, especially the dumplings. They came out perfectly. Greater are the pleasures that are shared, but Yukiko wanted to share with Souji. With anyone else, the dumplings didn't taste as good even though they tasted like a piece of heaven.

Yukiko didn't want to be sad. Souji wouldn't want her to be sad, and neither would Nanako. Kanji didn't like it when Yukiko was sad, so he'd make her a scarf or something quick, something nice, something that would bring a smile to her, and she made sure to wear that smile when she walked around Inaba. She tried not to pass the Dojima home where Souji once stayed. Whenever Yukiko went past there, her smile vanished, and no one wanted that. She saved the sadness for her room.

Winter appeared when Autumn made its exit among the sleeping trees and falling leaves. The fog remained as white as the snow that covered Inaba's ground. Yukiko made a spicy noodle soup that warmed even the coldest of hearts and she thought of a time that wasn't long ago, but it felt like forever past. Souji smiled at her, a kind smile that often gave her reassurance and the feeling that everything would be okay. He gave that same smile before leaving on a train headed back to his 'real' home. She held on to that image, held on for dear life, because she felt tears in her eyes and she didn't want them to fall like the snow. Kanji, however, noticed while they sat on the benches just outside of the inn.

"Come on, you act as if he died!" He said, trying to sound tender, but failing. Maybe he didn't want to succeed. "He's not dead. He'll be back. I'll bet he'll be home for Christmas, and things will be better than last year." He ate the noodles as if he hadn't eaten in years. "This is really good."

/Anything would be better than last year./ Yukiko never said that, but she certainly felt it while smiling at Kanji's compliment. She hoped that he wouldn't say such a thing to Dojima because she certainly wouldn't dare. Then again, she wasn't Kanji and never would be. The soup tasted good to her, but she imagined Souji near her. She didn't mention that either.

The Holidays came and went like the cars that passed through Inaba. Yukiko made teriyaki roast chicken with a strawberry sponge cake. All her friends that stayed in Inaba celebrated with her while giving her lovely gifts. Kanji outdid himself: he made her a purple dress with a black satin sash around the waist. She wore it as soon as she could and glowed in it. Souji never showed, but he sent glittery holiday cards along with delicious chocolate truffles that looked like smaller versions of the meat dumplings. They were perfect. Despite the festivities and the great joy of sharing tasty Christmas treats, Yukiko felt as if she wore a mask. Sure, she laughed and kicked up her heels like everyone else, but at the same time, she felt hollow, like something was missing. She noticed that some people outside of the Amagi Inn continued to wear gas masks. They only wanted to protect themselves, Yukiko realized. Maybe she wanted to do the same. Maybe the others wore masks of their own. /This can't be it for me./

"What's wrong?" Kanji asked when Yukiko lowered her head.

"Nothing, really. I just wish that Souji celebrated with us." She answered. "No one had much of a reason to celebrate last year."

"Ah, I see." Kanji nodded. "Yea, that was pretty rough. Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing when we threw that guy into the TV world." He held up his hand. "Don't get me wrong. I saw nothing with getting some revenge, but I don't think any of us thought things through, yanno? That's the problem with revenge sometimes. Too shortsighted because emotions running high and all that. That's why revenge is best served cold. When the emotions die down, you can think things through. Course, I don't often do that, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. Right?"

"No, you're not wrong." Yukiko shook her head. She looked outside of the inn, at the fog, and then back at Kanji. "There's nothing we can do now. It's too late."

Yes, too late. Too late to save Nanako, too late to comfort her father, too late to chase after Teddy, too late to pull Namatame from the TV World, and too late to fix any mistakes that were unfixable anyway. She wondered if it was too late to pursue Souji. She spent far too long simply dreaming of him. For the New Year, Yukiko decided to do more than dream while she made mashed sweet potatoes with chestnuts while listening to the 108 bells coming from the newly renovated Shrine. On the first of January, she and her friends received colorful postcards from Souji that said "Happiness to you on the dawn of a New Year". Yukiko considered it fitting since they all made sure to wake up early enough to see the first sunrise of the New Year. The fog no longer existed to her.

Valentine's Day brought more tears to Yukiko than she thought. Days before, she sent "honmei choco" along with a white silk shirt to Souji without telling anyone. She gave Kanji and Yosuke "giri choco". Chie, Naoto, and Rise got "tomo choco". Kanji looked at her oddly, as if wondering why she would give him chocolate based out of obligation. No one else wondered. Yukiko walked all over Inaba, watching women give gifts to their friends and loved ones. She got a "thank you" message from Souji, nothing more. She didn't understand why tears fell down her face. He acknowledged the gift, right? What more did she want? /This can't be it for me. Maybe I should have sent him the meat dumplings instead. Those dumplings are white, and I'm proud of them./ Her tears dried a little and she stopped in front of the Shrine. /White Day! It's a month from now! Maybe he'll show up with a big box of chocolates!/ She smiled at the fog as she passed by others who still wore gas masks. She wanted to tear them off and proclaim that there's no need to wear such things anymore. No need to fear, only love.

A white box of chocolates showed up on White Day, but Souji did not show. Yukiko understood because most people their age still went to school, but she almost choked on her meat dumpling when she found that the chocolates cost less than what she had given him. Worse yet, they were clearly "giri chocos". She got nothing else. The dumplings tasted like a piece of heaven, but she no longer imagined Souji sitting across from her. Instead, Kanji appeared, only he was for real. He gave her a box of very expensive chocolates and a midnight blue kimono that looked and felt like all the precious jewels in the world.

"Ah, I figured it was the least I could do," he said.

"The least?" Yukiko blinked. It took all her willpower to stop her jaw from dropping to the floor. She couldn't say anything more except, "Can you stay for dinner? I made some sushi! I didn't think I could, but they look great and I want you to try some!"

They made a habit of eating together. He loved her dishes and she loved how he helped her make various craft items. She learned to love leather when he made her a black trench coat jacket with matching boots and gloves. He learned to love her omelets, her flowers, and her quiet smile. Together, they made the fog disappear even as it obscured parts of Inaba. Regret turned into nothing more than a distant memory as they shared various pleasures, especially the white meat dumplings.

A year had passed since Souji left for his true home. This time, he did show up and while Yukiko smiled with delight, she shared her private meals with Kanji. She never thought that such a thing would happen, but it did. She no longer thought in terms of 'this can't be it for me' as she realized that it was time to move on, to flow with time, to stop dreaming of what never was and never will be. Instead, she dreamt of reality, of Kanji, of one who wasn't just someone to settle for, but someone to truly love.


End file.
